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18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate In Hometown

PESHTIGO, WI—In a miracle that defies statistical probability, Corey Muntner, 18, reported Monday that he found his soulmate, Tammy Gaska, right in his very own hometown of Peshtigo.

“They say God puts one special person on this planet who is your one true love,” said Muntner, who has left Marinette County twice in his life, both times for marching-band competitions in nearby Menominee. “It’s incredible, but I somehow found mine right here in the town where I’ve always lived. If that’s not fate, I don’t know what is.”

“I was hanging out by my car with my buddy Bryan, and this really hot chick comes walking up,” Muntner said. “She asks us for a smoke, and I give her one of my Camels. So Bryan, who’s a good guy but kind of a goober, says, ‘What are you doing Saturday night?’ She says, ‘Nothing with you.’ Then, for some reason, I say, ‘How about me?’ and she smiles and says, ‘Sure.'”

“That girl’s name, you ask?” Muntner continued. “Tammy Gaska.”

Relationship experts estimate that the chances of meeting someone in your lifetime that you fully connect with on a spiritual, intellectual, and physical level are one in 2.3 billion, making the geographic proximity of the soulmates nothing short of astonishing.

“How often does a person find their one true love at all, much less in the tiny rural Wisconsin town where they grew up?” Muntner said. “That’s why me and Tammy are still going out even though she gave Danny [Corvo] a hand job in the Copps [Food Center] freezer a few months ago. You just don’t give up on true love.”

Muntner said he very nearly did not meet Gaska, making their union all the more incredible.

“When I was in 10th grade, my dad got a job offer in Manitowoc, and we almost moved,” Muntner said. “If he’d taken the job, I would have never met Tammy. It’s pretty scary to think about how close that was to happening. Obviously, somebody up there wanted us to be together.”

Muntner said he knew almost immediately that he and Tammy were “so meant to be together.”

“I could tell on the first date that Tammy was Mrs. Right,” Muntner said. “When she told me she wanted to eat at Schussler’s Supper Club, I was like, ‘That’s my favorite place in town!’ What are the odds that out of Peshtigo’s five restaurants, we’d both like the same one?”

While many of his friends have had to search the state, country, or at least somewhere outside a three-mile radius to find “The One,” Muntner said he is doubly blessed that Gaska lives a mere four blocks away.

“My friend Rodney [Auer] has a girlfriend who lives all the way over in Oconto Falls,” Muntner said. “Sometimes, he doesn’t get to see her all week if something is wrong with his truck. I don’t think I could stand to be away from Tammy for that long.”

Muntner, who prior to meeting Gaska had dated only two girls, one for five weeks and the other for two months, said he is amazed that he was able to find the perfect person so quickly—and in a town of only 3,400 people.

“Tammy is really special.” Muntner said. “Most people who marry someone from their hometown just settle for whatever’s around. I’m glad I didn’t have to do that.”


Parents Sit Adopted Child Down To Explain Why He So Much Uglier Than Them

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Taking time to help the boy understand the ways in which they were a little bit different than most families, local parents Amanda and Michael Sayers sat their adopted child down Monday to explain why he was so much uglier than them. “Now that you’re getting older, you might have noticed that Mommy and Daddy are what most people think of as attractive, but you’re not exactly what we’d call handsome, are you?” Amanda Sayers told her son Jeremy, saying there was a reason his adoptive parents were both a solid 8 or 9 while he was a 4 at best. “See, you didn’t come out of Mom’s tummy the way your much better-looking brothers and sisters did. You grew inside a different woman’s belly, and when you were born and came to live with our family, we had no way of knowing the tiny baby we held in our arms would, in a few short years, turn out to be so ugly. But you sure did! And here you are, a part of our family now!” Sayers added that, on the plus side, being an adopted kid meant Jeremy didn’t have to worry about inheriting her crippling anxiety or her husband’s obvious propensity toward alcoholism.


Parents Considering Second Child So Daughter Can Have Someone To Grow Apart From

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Saying they did not want her to miss out on the experiences of a sibling relationship, local parents Cathleen and Eric Patterson told reporters Wednesday they are considering having a second child to give their daughter someone to grow apart from over time. “Recently, we’ve been thinking it would be nice for Emily to have a little brother or sister who she can gradually lose contact with over the next few decades and eventually barely speak with at all,” said Cathleen Patterson, adding that the couple wanted to make sure their child would have a sibling she could come to depend on for a few minutes of strained small talk at an annual holiday dinner or a halfhearted Facebook message sent several days after her birthday. “We’ll be gone someday, so we want Emily to have another family member who she can count on to reluctantly call her once every few months and suggest that they should get together at some point, but never follow through. I don’t want to deny her those kinds of memories.” The Pattersons added that if they decided against having another child, their daughter would still have numerous opportunities to become bitterly alienated from both of them.


‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

UVALDE, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed at least 21 individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Idaho resident Kathy Miller, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”


Man Shell Of Imagined Self

NEW YORK—Saying that when he looked in the mirror, he no longer saw the man he once deceived himself to be, local man Ron Stockton, 37, told reporters Monday that over the years he had become just a shell of his imagined self. “Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of my [wholly invented] purpose, and the [completely untenable] dreams I had just slipped away,” said Stockton, who added that he worried he was failing to maintain the deep sense of personal integrity he had never actually managed to develop in the first place. “I don’t know what became of that [nonexistent hallucination of a] person I once was, that person who [I thoroughly deluded myself into believing] had so much promise. I honestly don’t understand what happened.” At press time, Stockton reported that he was feeling much better after taking some time to think things over, getting a good night’s sleep, waking up early the next day, and joining a cult.


Man Honestly Thinks He’s Going To Get To Bed Early

DANBURY, CT—Entertaining outlandish delusions of actually getting in a solid eight hours of sleep, 29-year-old Josh Briner is honestly under the impression that he will be going to bed early, sources confirmed Thursday. “I made sure I had no plans tonight so that I can just turn in at 10 and get some serious rest,” said the poor, naive fool who despite having a laptop next to his bed, four different shows he needs to catch up on, and a proclivity for wasting hours at a time on social media sites is genuinely convinced that he will be asleep at a reasonable hour. “It’ll be nice to wake up feeling refreshed for once.” At press time, Briner reportedly said “fuck it,” resumed watching Sherlock on Netflix, and vowed that tomorrow he’d definitely be in bed by 9.


Area Woman Excited To Finally Experience Unbearable Loneliness Of Having Her Own Place

SOMERVILLE, MA—After living with roommates for the better part of a decade, local woman Anne Lazar announced Tuesday she was excited to finally experience the overwhelming loneliness of having her own apartment. Lazar says she knew she had made the right choice the moment she desperately called five different friends her first night in her new apartment. Lazar, 31, said that while she had few serious complaints about the people with whom she had shared housing over the years, there was simply no substitute for the unrelenting sense of isolation that only a private space can provide. “I couldn’t be more thrilled,” said Lazar, who moved into her new single-bedroom apartment three days ago. “There comes a point when you’re ready to move on and feel utterly cut off from society, and you just can’t get that without a living room of your own. Now I’ll have the couch all to myself and can watch Parks and Recreation with only my solitary, slightly forced laughter echoing off the walls. You can’t beat that.” “Sure, I’m spending a little more on rent,” Lazar added. “But what I’ll be repaid in those moments of desperately wishing a friend would call or e-mail or do pretty much anything to momentarily take me out of my own head will be priceless.” While Lazar acknowledged her new living situation would likely take some adjustment, she told reporters it wouldn’t be long before she’d be happily lying awake at night wishing she at least had a pet to keep her company. “I’ll probably feel little or no dread at all during these first few weeks,” Lazar said. “I might ask myself if this was such a good idea and if I’ll ever grow morbidly starved for companionship. But if I stick with it, I know it’ll only be a matter of time before I can’t even iron a blouse without a podcast playing in the background just so I can hear the sound of other human beings interacting.” “Honestly, I can’t believe I waited so long to do this,” Lazar added. “Even the best roommates in the world can’t match the eerie feeling that comes from sitting in your own place and wondering how long it would take for anyone to find your body if you had a heart attack and dropped dead.”


Teen Boy Entering That Awkward Phase Where He A Fucking Pervert

READING, PA—Having finally begun a new chapter of his journey into manhood, teenage boy Dylan Rackham was reportedly entering that awkward phase this week where he’s a complete fucking pervert. “Dylan’s starting to notice the girls in his class and fantasize about all the depraved, potentially illegal sex shit he wants to do to them,” said Dylan’s father, Elias Rackham, who wistfully recalled having been a nasty little sex-obsessed weirdo himself when he was Dylan’s age. “It’s just a confusing, clumsy stage that boys go through where they’re so perpetually horned up they can’t really function as normal members of society anymore. My sweet Dylan’s going to be a bonafide sex pest to pretty much everyone around him while he stumbles down the bumpy road to maturity—hell, he’s probably going to try sticking it in a couple inanimate objects before the end of this thing. But however noxious his disgusting sexual appetites get, it shouldn’t be more than four or five years before this phase passes. It may end even sooner if his perversion lands him in some kind of court-ordered sex offender rehabilitation program. And no matter how creepy he gets or how many times he jerks off each day, he’ll always be my baby boy!” Dylan’s father added that while the teen would no doubt have questions about his newfound feelings, he could always turn to some of the foulest internet pornography imaginable for guidance.


Clever Fan Sneaks Into Music Festival By Burying Self In Dirt There Week Before

CHICAGO—Touting it as the only “tried and true” method for attending such expensive shows for free, local man Ian Procyk told reporters Friday he had managed to sneak into a musical festival by burying himself in the dirt at the event’s outdoor location a week ahead of time. “It was easy, really—all I had to do was show up to the park several days early, dig a large hole, and then lie in wait until the first band hit the stage,” said Procyk, who added that he emerged from the ground in Chicago’s Grant Park in a way he hoped was relatively inconspicuous, with a single fist bursting from the earth and his dirt-caked head and torso writhing to free themselves while he gasped for air. “I just crawled out, brushed myself off, and security was none the wiser. Sure, I had to breathe out of a straw for a week, but I saved, like, $300. It will all be worth it for the Postal Service.” At press time, Procyk had reportedly been kicked out of the festival after security discovered him attempting to rebury himself there for the night.


Woman Getting All Defensive About Inherent Worth And Selfhood

BROOKLYN, NY—Her combative reaction seeming to come out of nowhere, local woman Monica Respers on Wednesday was reportedly getting all defensive about her inherent worth and selfhood. “It’s like I can’t say a single cruel and demeaning thing without her getting touchy about her value as a human being,” said boyfriend Brad Larsen, adding that Resper gets “totally bent out of shape” every time he tries to completely discount what she wants to do with her life or clearly demonstrates that his needs are always going to be more important than hers. “Jesus, she’s so thin-skinned about constantly being told to be something she’s not. Seriously, I make the slightest attempt to diminish her or undermine any pride she may have in her accomplishments, and she just lashes out.” At press time, Larsen was reportedly shocked that merely from belittling every opinion and goal she had for the entirety of their relationship, she completely overreacted and broke up with him.


Parents Ask If Son Wouldn’t Mind Stopping By To Fix Gaping Void In Their Lives

WATERBURY, CT—Saying they were completely hopeless when it came to such things, James and Phyllis Burgauer told reporters Monday that they asked their son, Lance, if he wouldn’t mind stopping by to fix the gaping void in their lives. “It would be a huge favor to us if he could just pop over after work and try to mend the enormous black hole that fills our existence,” said Phyllis Burgauer, explaining that Lance was always so good at patching the ever-growing cavernous abyss of discontent and lack of purpose that gnaws at their every thought, so it would be incredibly appreciated if he had time to help them out. “I know he keeps showing us how to do it, but we’re just not as capable on our own. His dad has tried several times, but he always ends up making the empty chasm wider.” She added that they thought about calling a professional to fix the problem, but they just didn’t want to spend the money, and besides, that was why they had a child in the first place.


Study Finds American Women Delaying Motherhood Because The Whole Thing Blows

ANN ARBOR, MI—Having determined through empirical research that childrearing is bullshit and totally not worth it, a study published Friday by sociologists at the University of Michigan found that a growing number of American women are delaying motherhood because the whole thing blows. “Our research indicates that women have put off having children until much later in life due to the fact that it’s completely exhausting, prohibitively expensive, and almost everything about it fucking sucks,” said study co-author Lorraine Moens, explaining that the moment a woman becomes pregnant, unfamiliar hormones begin to hijack her body; then giving birth is absolute hell; and once the baby is born, the mother barely sleeps for months. “Even after children are old enough to take care of their basic bodily functions, our study found a parent still spends half her day either driving them somewhere, buying them stuff, or arguing with them about some unbelievably stupid, boring crap. Most women, it turns out, just don’t want to deal with that shit. According to the data, medical bills for pregnancy and childbirth alone run Americans at least five figures, and then of course they’re lucky if their income covers day-care costs. While it is often argued that having a child is a rewarding experience that women should look forward to, the reality is that a couple of decades will go by before a mother ever again gets to do any of the things she actually likes to do, and by then she’s too old and tired to care anymore, having completely forgotten the person she used to be. As a result, we found an increasing number of U.S. women are simply choosing to say ‘Fuck that!’ when asked about starting a family.” Moens added that postponing motherhood too long could result in a woman living a happy, fulfilled life free of stress.


Friend Who Doesn’t Drink Announces Plans To Buy Weirdest Fucking Soda Imaginable

MILWAUKEE—Stressing that he would much rather indulge in something flavored with huckleberry or an essence of sarsaparilla, Jason Torres, a local friend who doesn’t drink, announced plans Tuesday to buy the weirdest fucking soda imaginable. “Yes, I used to enjoy alcohol, but now I prefer to drink new and fun things like a watermelon soda made from cane sugar, or this awesome orange cola that you can only find in Iowa City,” said Torres, who, after picking up several bottles filled with different neon shades of pink, blue, and green, yelled “jackpot” when he apparently found a limited-edition bottle of Granny Smith apple-flavored soda from an obscure brand no one had ever seen or heard of before. “The truth is, I don’t miss drinking at all, because there are so many interesting and unique new flavors of soda to try. Oh, maybe I’ll buy this soda from Japan that has a cool opening mechanism. Or should I get this pickle-flavored one? Eh, screw it, I’ll just get both. It should only cost me around 25 bucks.” At press time, Torres could not be reached for comment, as he was stuck trying to decide which flavor of potato chip—cinnamon bun, Sloppy Joe, or bacon-mac-and-cheese—would best accompany his weird-ass soda.


Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself. “Dylan is preoccupied with the extremely selfish notion that he’s the sole influence on his parents’ marital problems, insisting that he could have acted better or done more to make them get along, as if he’s the only thing that matters in this situation,” said Fielder’s school guidance counselor, Sharon Thomas, adding that the boy is so narcissistic that he quickly dismissed the idea that financial and psychological factors played a role in his parents’ recent divorce and failed to even consider that the couple’s deep-seated communication issues could possibly be more important than he is. “I’ve tried to make it evident to Dylan that there’s more to his parents’ fighting and separation than just him, but frankly, he’s too self-absorbed to see anything else.” Thomas told reporters that she would not be surprised if Dylan thinks his father’s decision to give full custody to his mother completely revolved around him too.


Woman Takes Short Half-Hour Break From Being Feminist To Enjoy TV Show

Natalie Jenkins says she just wants to enjoy a little TV without thinking about how our culture repeatedly perpetuates gender stereotypes in a damaging way.

PORTLAND, OR—Saying that she just wanted a little time to relax and “not even think about” confining gender stereotypes, local health care industry consultant Natalie Jenkins reportedly took a 30-minute break from being a feminist last night to kick back and enjoy a television program.   Jenkins, 29, told reporters that after a long and tiring day at her office, all she wanted to do was return home, sit down on her couch, turn on an episode of the TLC reality show Say Yes To The Dress, and treat herself to a brief half hour in which she could look past all the various and near constant ways popular culture undermines the progress of women.


Girlfriend Talks Through Whole Goddamn Commercial

WHEELING, WV—Saying that he was unable to focus fully on the storyline or hear crucial parts of the dialogue, area man Richard Heller told reporters that his girlfriend talked through a whole goddamn Papa John’s commercial Sunday evening. “As soon as the ad came on, she started yapping about something she was reading online and I totally missed what Peyton [Manning] said to Papa John,” said Heller, explaining that his girlfriend’s careless and persistent interruption of the 30-second spot prevented him from catching the full list of ingredients on the pizza chain’s new Fritos Chili Cheese Pizza. “I know Papa John said something about how it took 30 years for him to put Fritos on a pizza, but I have no idea what happened next. Why can’t she just wait to talk about this stuff during the game?” Heller said he could always rewind the DVR to find out how much the large specialty pizza costs, but that it wouldn’t be the same.


Man Worried Antidepressants Will Leave Trace Of Original Personality

CORAL SPRINGS, FL—Expressing concerns about the effects of the medication on his brain, local man Aaron Stilner told reporters Wednesday that he’s worried the antidepressants his physician prescribed will leave traces of his original personality. “I know my doctor wants me to start on SSRIs right away, but I don’t want to take any pills before I know for sure they will completely change who I am,” Stilner said of the new prescription, which he fears will fail to erase all semblance of his former self and allow certain of his longstanding and defining character traits to persist. “I guess I can always switch medications if I find that this one doesn’t alter every one of my individual characteristics. The last thing I want is for there to be any risk I’ll end up being recognizable to my friends and family.” At press time, Stilner had requested to increase his dosage by an additional 20 mg.


Man Buys Sword In Case He Ever Needs A Sword

DENTON, TX—Stating that a person never knows when they’ll need a sword, area man Stanley Castillo told reporters Wednesday that he recently bought a sword in case he ever needs a sword. “You don’t want to be caught without a sword when you need a sword, which is why I bought this sword,” said Castillo, explaining that he noticed the sword on a display rack at a local sword retailer and realized the sword would come in handy if he should find himself in a situation that called for a sword. “I heard a story about a guy who needed a sword but didn’t have a sword, and hoo boy, let me tell you—it did not end well for the swordless guy. In fact, the more I think about it, I should probably go out and buy a second sword just in case I ever need two swords.” At press time, witnesses confirmed Castillo had been killed in a sword fight.


Man Wonders If Speeding Ticket Just Karma For Going 120 MPH

OMAHA, NE—Pondering whether the universe, in its own subtle manner, might be trying to send him a message, a local man reportedly wondered aloud if the speeding ticket he received Monday wasn’t just karma for driving 120 miles per hour down the freeway. “Wow, I guess what goes around really does come around, huh?” said Josh Daniels, 35, who described how he had spent the morning wildly careening through residential neighborhoods in his Honda Accord before he decided to merge onto Interstate 80 and “just floor it.” “I don’t want to draw connections where there aren’t any, but when I saw those flashing lights in the rearview, it definitely gave me pause. Maybe this is simply karma’s way of tapping me on the shoulder and letting me know there are consequences for screaming ‘I will never die’ while zigzagging through traffic and flipping off multiple state troopers.” According to sources, Daniels went on to wonder whether his pending vehicular manslaughter charge wasn’t some sort of cosmic justice related to his decision to climb behind the wheel after drinking a fifth of blended scotch.


24-Year-Old Receives Sage Counsel From Venerable 27-Year-Old

DULUTH, MN—Generously bestowing the kind of wisdom that only comes with age, worldly and venerable 27-year-old Matthew Owen took the time last night to offer his enlightened counsel to 24-year-old family friend Dennis Paige, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Paige, who since graduating from the University of Minnesota in 2011 has struggled to find a full-time job or commit himself to any long-term plan, was reportedly taken aside by Owen for a candid one-on-one talk during which the elder man imparted just a sampling of the profound knowledge he’s amassed from nearly five years in the real world.

“Listen, I remember feeling the same way when I was in my mid-20s,” said the 27-year-old, drawing upon his abundant wealth of life experience. “Believe me, when I was your age, I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to do either. Life is just something that takes a little while to figure out, you know? But eventually you get everything figured out, and then it’s all good.”

“Take it from someone who’s been there,” added Owen, placing a supportive hand on the shoulder of the man three years his junior.

As he offered his vast, seemingly limitless insight into the ways of the world, Owen reportedly advised the wide-eyed 24-year-old not to get too down on himself about the mistakes he’s made or the difficulties he currently faces, assuring Paige that it’s natural for someone to take a few wrong turns at such an impressionable young age.

The enlightened Owen, a 2008 college graduate, also said that while it may be hard for Paige to see the bigger picture right now, he’ll soon mature and begin to gain a broader perspective on things.

“Look at it this way—a guy your age is standing at the beginning of a long journey, and sometimes it’s hard to see where you’re going,” said Owen, who has held a salaried position as a marketing associate at Duluth’s RGM Partners for the past 18 months. “But when you’ve reached the end of that journey, as I have, you look back and realize just how naïve you once were.”

“The fact is, you’re still very young,” the prudent and world-wise 27-year-old continued, “and you still have a few years left to find your way.”

Owen went on to say that sometimes you just have to be patient and let life take its course. He explained that for him, the pieces of the puzzle all fell into place “back in 2011,” when he landed his first full-time job. At that moment, he said, “everything kind of clicked” for him in terms of his career, his long-term personal goals, and his broader purpose in life.

“I know you’re looking at me right now and thinking, ‘I’m never going to get to where he is,’” said Owen, who lives downtown in a two-bedroom apartment he shares with a roommate. “But you will. I was once anxious and young like you are, and look how things worked out for me.”

“You’ll get there, bud,” added the man born in 1986.

Owen then chuckled, sources said, and admitted that he wished someone had told him all these things back when he was just starting out.

Although he acknowledged he had not asked Owen for advice, Paige told reporters he was incredibly grateful the 27-year-old had taken the time to speak with him.

“I wasn’t expecting it at all, but I’m really glad Matt pulled me aside and shared some of his thoughts with me,” the 24-year-old said. “It’s nice to hear from someone who’s been through a lot of the things I’m going through now, and to see how he’s turned out. It’s really helped me to think more clearly about my own future.”

Added Paige, “When I look at him, I realize that if I’m not careful I could turn into some kind of huge condescending prick in just three years.”


CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported. “I was initially skeptical of any aggressive growth strategy given the current size of our company’s problems, but after hearing Adam outline his proposals, I’m now completely confident that we can double the size of our problems over the next quarter,” said Janneson employee Wendy Lyman, noting that the CEO’s plan included changes that would create more issues across every department and significantly increase the number of difficulties and setbacks by the end of the year. “He certainly doesn’t have a traditional approach, but you can’t expect the kind of rapid, eye-catching deterioration of a company’s image and market value without taking a few risks along the way. It’s impressive to see someone with the ambition to maintain old problems the company already had while still finding a way to produce new complications. He’s really thinking big.” Lyman added that she was astonished by the CEO’s vow to dramatically expand problems without sacrificing employees’ terrible work-life balance.


Nation Attempts To Fall Asleep By Doing Little Impression Of Sleeping

SAN FRANCISCO—Climbing into bed in hopes of getting a solid night’s rest for once, a tired, bleary-eyed nation announced Sunday night that it would now attempt to fall asleep by doing a little impression of sleeping. “All snuggled up and ready to sleep—here I go!” said 26-year-old Bay Area resident Daphne Halloway, one of more than 330 million Americans who reportedly let out an exaggerated yawn, hugged a teddy bear, and squeezed their eyes tightly shut, hoping the lighthearted imitation of sleep would trick their brains into letting them drift off into a genuine slumber. “Yes sirree, I’m being whisked away to dreamland…hmm, okay, might need to sell it a little harder: Honk, shoo, me-me-me-me! Honk, shoo, me-me-me-me!” On Monday morning, reports confirmed the strategy had failed, and the nation was now stretching its arms above its head and rubbing its eyes as it began a daylong effort to do a little impression of wakefulness.


Loving Mother Only Wants Daughter To Be Different In Every Possible Way

ANNAPOLIS, MD—Seeing that her child was upset with her and hoping to provide some reassurance, loving mother Laurie Batts reportedly sat down Tuesday with her daughter Caroline to let her know that the only thing she wanted was for the girl to be different in every way possible. “Honey, I know sometimes it can feel like I’m putting a lot of pressure on you, but that’s just because I think you should change yourself into a completely new person who bears no resemblance to the person you are now,” said Batts, adding that her daughter was perfect the way she was, except for when it came to her looks, personality, interests, demeanor, and many other characteristics. “If, from time to time, I say that you need a total makeover inside and out, please know it’s coming from a place of genuine caring. Remember, I’m only telling you that you’re fundamentally flawed because I love you.” Batts added that her daughter should be true to herself as long as that person didn’t resemble who she currently was in the slightest.


Woman Getting All Defensive About Inherent Worth And Selfhood

BROOKLYN, NY—Her combative reaction seeming to come out of nowhere, local woman Monica Respers on Wednesday was reportedly getting all defensive about her inherent worth and selfhood. “It’s like I can’t say a single cruel and demeaning thing without her getting touchy about her value as a human being,” said boyfriend Brad Larsen, adding that Resper gets “totally bent out of shape” every time he tries to completely discount what she wants to do with her life or clearly demonstrates that his needs are always going to be more important than hers. “Jesus, she’s so thin-skinned about constantly being told to be something she’s not. Seriously, I make the slightest attempt to diminish her or undermine any pride she may have in her accomplishments, and she just lashes out.” At press time, Larsen was reportedly shocked that merely from belittling every opinion and goal she had for the entirety of their relationship, she completely overreacted and broke up with him.


School District Waives Sex-Ed Curriculum For Students Who Look Like They Know What’s Up

BOSTON—In an attempt to reduce the workload on students who are often overburdened by homework and extracurricular activities, Boston Public Schools announced Monday that it would be waiving its sex-education requirement for students who look like they know what’s up. “In our district’s high schools, any incoming ninth-grader who appears to have already learned a thing or two will be excused from attending sex-ed classes,” said Superintendent Miranda Simmons, explaining that every year there’s a bunch of them where you just know they’ve gotten laid by this point and you aren’t going to be teaching them anything new. “We don’t want to waste anyone’s time here. If a student has obviously progressed well beyond the limits of our sexual health course on their own time, they shouldn’t be forced to sit through a class that doesn’t challenge or engage them. And from the perspective of the educator, let me just say it feels ridiculous teaching sex ed to teens when, based on their appearance and self-assured demeanor, it’s pretty clear they’re having more sex than you are.” The superintendent added that any accelerated students who you could tell were really going at it would also qualify for a partial credit in physical education.


Report: You Will Never Find Love Like 2 Teens Sharing Electric Scooter

CHICAGO—Confirming that the joy and sheer, reckless rapture they experienced would always be just out of reach, a new report published Monday revealed that you would never find a love like that shared by two teens riding the same electric scooter. “After studying countless samples, it has become abundantly clear that you will never have a relationship as intimate or thrilling as that of two 14-year-olds speeding down the road on a battery-powered scooter,” said research psychologist Steven Gwinn, adding that per his data, there was simply no connection on earth deeper than that between a pair of teenagers wordlessly clutching each other on a two-wheeled Lime, Spin, or Lyft, laughing and screaming as they narrowly dodged pedestrians, cars, and speed bumps. “While our research suggests you’ve had some mild romantic connections, no one has ever or will ever hold you the way these teens hold each other as they speed recklessly down the sidewalk without a care in the world. In fact, the evidence clearly shows you will never find anyone who makes you feel that way, and ultimately, unlike them, you will die sad and alone.” Gwinn also confirmed that you would never experience a friendship as strong as the bond shared by two teen boys when one is riding on the pegs of a bike and the other one is pedaling.


American Masculinity Faces Existential Threat After Man Asked To Be Nicer Sometimes

DETROIT—Delivering a crushing blow to the traditional beliefs and practices held by men nationwide, sources confirmed Thursday that American masculinity faced an existential threat after a meeting at Dynatech Telecommunication in which local employee Mark Taylor was asked by coworkers to maybe be nicer sometimes. “Hey, Mark, would you mind letting Abby finish what she was saying before you jump in?” said team leader Francis Wu, reminding him to be “a little more respectful” of his coworkers in a direct assault on the the pillars of male identity stretching back centuries from the original American pioneers through to the Old West’s cattle drivers and up until the modern-day hunting and mixed martial arts of podcaster Joe Rogan. “I think the room would just feel a little more relaxed if you try to take a deep breath and keep things a bit more even-keeled. Alright, bud? Sorry if that’s too much. Just a suggestion.” At press time, sources confirmed that a thousand year reign of femininity and estrogen had been inaugurated after Taylor was told that he also occasionally repeated the ideas of female coworkers as if they were his own.


High School Bully Ready To Unload Summer Vacation’s Worth Of Abuse

BALA CYNWYD, PA—His pent-up frustration and anger at an all-time high following a brutal break, high school bully Blaine Madison said Monday he was ready to unload a summer vacation’s worth of abuse at the start of the school year. “I’ve been building up all this aggression, watching my parents scream at each other before turning their anger on me for a completely random reason, and now it’s my turn—I’m going to get this out of my system by smacking the shit out of some freshman,” said Madison, 16, who had been using video games as a coping mechanism until his stepfather smashed his PS3 in a blind fit of rage. “I’m wound tight, and if I don’t chuck a few textbooks at some loser’s head soon, I don’t know what I’ll do. My whole routine has been out of whack since June; usually I can fall back on shoving Eric and calling him a retard whenever Mom makes me skip meals as punishment for making too much noise when I take out the recycling bin.” At press time, Madison said he was feeling much more calm and centered after body-slamming a foreign exchange student onto a lunch table.


New Dad Loves Getting To Re-Experience Some Of His Favorite Animal Noises With Kids

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Eager to take a look back at the classics from his own childhood, new father Steve McKinley told reporters Friday that he loved getting to re-experience some of his favorite animal noises now that he had kids. “Oh man, I haven’t thought about them in years, but a lot of these barnyard sounds are really excellent,” said McKinley, confirming his feelings of nostalgia at having the opportunity to revisit “moo” and “quack, quack” now that he had children of his own. “It’s so rewarding to see my kids getting excited about the same noises I loved as a kid, even some of the more obscure stuff like ‘hee-haw’ and ‘gobble-gobble,’ which they absolutely adored. And the lessons of ‘a pig goes ‘oink’’ still hold as true today as when I was little.” McKinley added that he had decided against sharing some of the really fucked-up ones like “cock-a-doodle-doo” until his son was a little older.


Man Realizes Parents Only Pushed Him Hard To Make Him Insecure For Rest Of Life

CHICO, CA—Acknowledging that he hated the constant badgering while growing up, local man Joseph Porter told reporters Monday that he realized his parents only pushed him so hard to make him insecure for the rest of his life. “At the time, I couldn’t see it, but now I understand that all their pressure was just teaching me to grow up into the kind of person who hated himself and never thought that he was good enough,” said Porter, who added that his parents constant need for him to get good grades, perform well in sports, and attend the best schools eventually showed him the value of measuring his life in arbitrary achievements and beating the shit out of himself when he failed. “Yeah, it wasn’t always fun growing up, but now I’m a shell of a man who questions every decision he’s ever made and constantly feels like a failure on all counts. Plus, my parents were so lenient on my brother, and look at him. He’s so happy and well-adjusted now.” Porter added that when he had kids, he wanted to do everything in his power to make sure they grew up to be just as neurotic, depressed, and unstable as he was.


Man Mid-Shower Facing Grim Realization He’ll Have To Retrieve Face Wash He Left On Sink

TEMPE, AZ—Struggling to come to terms with the harsh departure from his morning routine, local man Michael Simpson reportedly faced the grim reality Tuesday that he would have to leave his warm shower to retrieve the face wash he left on the sink. According to sources, Simpson, already dripping wet and covered in suds, spent the moments after his sobering conclusion searching in vain for the bottle of CeraVe along the shower’s shelf before finally admitting to himself that he would have to make the perilous journey across the bathroom’s cold floor to retrieve the cleanser. The 27-year-old then reportedly struggled to make peace with the gravity of his situation, which would require him to not only cross the five-foot expanse to the sink without slipping, but, in all likelihood, also leave several small puddles on the tile floor. Sources confirmed that Simpson even considered using bar soap on his face to escape his cruel fate before admitting to himself that it would cause him to break out and accepting his dire predicament. At press time, Simpson’s realization that the bottle on the sink was completely empty had prompted him to grapple with the knowledge that he would have to run over to the pharmacy completely wet and naked to buy more.


Nerd Who Spent Summer Getting Into Shape Quickly Discovers Bully Worked Out Twice As Hard

BELLINGHAM, WA—Admitting that his physical transformation didn’t even come close to cutting it, local nerd Hayden Gardner told reporters Monday he had spent all summer getting into shape only to discover his bully had worked out twice as hard. “Wow, I thought that I’d spent the last three months getting totally swole, but it ends up that the guy who had been beating the shit out of me got way fucking bigger,” said the 15-year-old, who added that despite the fact that he spent every day adhering to a strict workout routine, gained over 30 pounds of muscle, and grew five inches, he still paled in comparison to his tormentor. “Finally, I get to show everyone at school my new, jacked body, only to find out that this guy somehow kicked my ass at that, too, and now he has the physique of a professional bodybuilder. Now, instead of turning the tables on him and shoving him into his locker, he’s just bullying me even more.” At press time, Gardner told reporters that he was also disheartened after showing up to school with a gun, only to discover his bully brought two larger guns.


Man Putting Off Starting Family To Focus On Treading Water In Career For Few Years

HAMPTON, VA—Saying he wanted to wait until the time was absolutely right, local man Dennis Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he was putting off starting a family in order to spend a few more years focusing on treading water in his career. “I want to settle down eventually, but, before I do, I want to make sure I spend a bit more time going nowhere in my job,” said Fitzpatrick, adding that he needed to make no discernible upward progress at work for a while longer before he could even think about having children. “It’ll take two or three more years of making purely lateral career moves to even consider becoming a father. I’ll feel a lot better about taking on a family down the road if I make time now to get a few nominal raises that will have zero impact on my quality of life.” Fitzpatrick went on to say he would be willing to delay starting a family even longer if he thought a promotion that amounted to a meaningless change in title was a possibility.


Job Became Completely Humiliating So Gradually Area Man Barely Noticed

CHICAGO—Local resident Stephen Durkee’s job at D&L; Media Solutions has become utterly dehumanizing in such small increments that he almost didn’t even notice, the 32-year-old office manager told reporters Monday.

Durkee, who has worked at D&L; since 2002, said that dozens of minor policy changes, coupled with his easily cowed personality, have gradually served to make each work day an unbroken series of degrading humiliations.

“Now that I think about it, a lot of little things have sort of slowly added up, like when they reduced my lunch hour to 30 minutes last October,” Durkee said while walking CFO Janice Dugan’s poorly behaved English bulldog, Twombly, a task that cannot be found in Durkee’s extensive job description. “In and of itself, I suppose that isn’t really that terrible. Until you consider the five different job-title changes I’ve endured over the past two years and the fact that I had to buy my own computer for work.”

“I guess it would be weird to complain about that stuff now, though,” continued Durkee, tying up a plastic bag and slowly getting back up to his feet. “What are you gonna do?”

In addition to the single small raise he’s received and the loss of various benefits that have almost imperceptibly contributed to his professional impotence, Durkee’s good nature and work ethic have made him subject to domination by both his superiors and peers.

By his estimate, Durkee has been guilted or bullied into taking on 34 extra responsibilities on top of his regular duties.

“I don’t actually remember how I got roped into handling the junior executives’ expense reports,” Durkee said. “It’s another one of those things. Like how I have to pick up all of the mail in the lobby now instead of everyone just getting their own.”

“Wait…I shouldn’t have to do that, right?” Durkee added before looking around his poorly lit cubicle, the size of which has been reduced by an average of six inches per year to make room for—among other things—several dozen boxes of old tax records, unpaid interns, and a large coatrack that Durkee himself was forced to assemble. “Should I?”

Though Durkee has been stripped to little more than a neutered shell of his former self, he has reportedly started carrying out pathetic, completely unnoticed acts of rebellion in an effort to preserve some shred of what he believes to be his dignity.

“Sometimes, when I go to pick up [marketing vice president] Mr. [Louis] Ridge’s dry- cleaning, I’ll also stop at Starbucks for 20 minutes and then make up some excuse about why it took me so long,” Durkee said with heartbreaking glee after lending senior media buyer Erik Sommers, who makes nearly triple his salary, $10 for lunch. “I know it’s kind of silly and childish, but if I didn’t have a little fun every now and then, I’d probably go nuts.”

Despite Durkee’s dim awareness that his job has become totally degrading on every conceivable level, he said that he currently has no plans to extricate himself from his subhuman existence.

“I know it’s not an ideal situation, but I can’t just up and quit. I still have all that debt from getting my MFA, and then of course the mortgage and car payments,” Durkee said. “What am I supposed to do? I really need this job.”


Increasingly Anxious Man Worried Order Confirmation Email Never Going To Come

AUGUSTA, ME—Nervously refreshing his inbox every five to 10 seconds, local man Gabe Hines was rapidly losing hope that his confirmation email from an online retailer would ever arrive, sources confirmed Monday. “Jeez, where is it?” said Hines, mentally berating himself for having closed the tab that contained his order confirmation number as he futilely checked his spam folder for the fifth time. “It came through instantly last time. Come on, what’s the holdup?” At press time, Hines’ spirits were elevated and then immediately crushed when a new message that appeared in his inbox turned out to merely be an email from his mother.


Coffee Shop Onlookers Speculate About Unimaginable Riches Awaiting 43-Year-Old Reading ‘7 Habits Of Highly Effective People’

CHICAGO—Gawking at the man who they speculated would become the world’s next billionaire, onlookers at Higher Ground Café spoke to reporters Wednesday about the unimaginable riches that were surely awaiting the 43-year-old reading The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People. “With the meteoric rise he’s bound to experience after executing Stephen Covey’s principles of effective self-leadership, collaboration, and improvement, it won’t be long before that guy is buying a superyacht and two or three vacation homes,” said coffee shop customer Justin Schoenberg, adding that as soon as the reader had finished the self-help book, he would probably take over the entire company he worked for and put himself in charge as CEO. “Looks like he’s two or three chapters in already, which means he’s bound to make his first million by the end of the week. It’s kind of awe-inspiring being this close to someone who’s probably thinking right now about the fleet of luxury cars he’ll be buying any day now. Nothing’s ever going to stop this guy.” At press time, onlookers confirmed the man had closed the book and picked up his phone, presumably to book himself a seat on a commercial space flight.


Man Anxiously Scanning Bar’s Reaction To Jukebox Selection

CHICAGO—Saying he hoped his choice would not kill the room’s vibe, sources confirmed Thursday night that local man Jared Chambers was anxiously scanning fellow patrons at Collin’s Tavern to judge the reaction to his recent jukebox selection. “I think this is a pretty safe song, but I don’t know,” said Chambers, who reportedly appeared visibly relieved after seeing several people briefly nod along to the opening notes. “Nobody got really excited, but it doesn’t seem like anybody hates it, either. I think, at worst, some people just don’t care either way, and I guess I can live with that.” At press time, Chambers’ confidence in his song was suddenly destroyed after seeing another patron briskly get up and begin quickly flipping through the jukebox song catalogue.


Area Man On Personal Mission To Explain Why Universally Enjoyed Things Are Bad

Lerner says it is his “sacred duty” to inform people that the things they like are not good.

RICHMOND, VA—Describing it as “his life’s calling,” local man Gary Lerner, 31, revealed Thursday that he is on a personal quest to enlighten the world about why things everybody enjoys are actually bad.

Lerner, whose stated mission is to explain to his fellow human beings why any appreciation of their favorite movies, music, television, and books is entirely misplaced, told reporters that whenever he hears a group of people unanimously praising something, the task of correcting them always falls upon him.

“If there is a thing that is universally cherished, then I have an obligation to help people understand why they’re wrong for liking it,” said Lerner, adding that while it’s tempting to let his friends simply enjoy a new song or TV show, he ultimately has a responsibility to point out its every flaw until it is utterly ruined for them. “I can’t, for example, stand by in good conscience while everyone talks about how much they love Exile On Main St.. Not when the guitar riffs don’t have nearly the inventiveness or clarity of the Rolling Stones’ earlier work and, let’s be honest, the lyrics are hardly among Jagger’s best.”

“At the end of the day, it isn’t right for the greater public to simply take pleasure in whatever they happen to like,” Lerner continued. “I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen.”

According to Lerner, rather than acknowledging that a film like The Dark Knight Rises is entertaining, the way a normal person might, he has a special duty to argue that it is, in fact, completely horrible. Describing the movie as “an overhyped snooze,” Lerner noted that director Christopher Nolan is a ponderous and only marginally talented filmmaker, and that no serious person could possibly enjoy the performance of Christian Bale, an actor Lerner described as “not nearly as good as people think he is.”

Among the many other widely beloved things that Lerner has reportedly made it his mission to invalidate are the original Star Wars trilogy, the Olympics, actor Daniel Day-Lewis, chocolate, the Beatles, Vincent van Gogh, central air-conditioning, and the Internet.

“People need to realize—and it is my objective to make them realize—that afternoons spent relaxing at the beach are completely overrated, as is summertime in general,” Lerner said. “And fall. All of the holidays, too—at least the major ones.”

“Same goes for smartphones, the novels of F. Scott Fitzgerald, and most types of beer,” Lerner added. “It’s like, whatever makes people happy and puts a big ol’ dopey grin on their face, they just eat it right up. Well, I simply will not stand for it.”

Along with his campaign to disparage things everyone loves, Lerner confirmed that he also takes it upon himself to defend things everyone hates by lamenting how scandalously underrated they are.

“You know, Godfather III is actually not that bad,” Lerner said. “If you look at it in terms of the overarching story, it’s actually a really fitting end to the saga, because you finally get to see Michael feel remorse for the things he did in the first two movies. I’m not sure anybody else really got that.”

So far, sources confirmed, Lerner has had some success in his crusade, making his sister-in-law Jennifer feel stupid for saying she enjoys bike rides in the park and shaming his roommate Michael into agreeing that blue jeans really aren’t so great after all.

“The other day I mentioned how I’m looking forward to the next three-day weekend, and that really set Gary off,” said coworker Nick Powell, 28, adding that his officemates have learned that when Lerner is around they should avoid mentioning anything that brings them happiness. “He went on this long rant about how three days isn’t enough time to take a big trip and only makes it tougher to adjust back to a regular schedule when it’s over.”

“He had a point, I guess, but goddamn it,” Powell added. “I wanted to punch him right in his smug fucking face.”

When reached for comment, Lerner told reporters that ending a news story with a follow-up comment from a source was a “lame and hacky” journalistic technique.


Woman Wakes Up In Cold Sweat Worried Cat Doesn’t Know It’s Cute

SEATTLE—Sitting up with a terrified gasp as the realization shook her from her sleep, local woman Sarah Ostrowski reportedly woke up in a cold sweat Friday worried that her cat didn’t know how cute he was. “Oh my dear God, what if Winston is out there alone in the kitchen and no one remembered to tell him that he’s an adorable little snuggle-muffin who needs all the cuddles in the world?” said Ostrowski, who began audibly hyperventilating and rocking back and forth in bed as she was overcome with the sudden fear that her 7-year-old tabby had not been reminded recently that he was a petite feline gentleman who loved to eat his salmon num-nums. “I knew I shouldn’t have dismissed that horrible nightmare where my furry sweetums keeps running away before I can snatch his paws up in my hands and make him do a little dance. This is what I deserve for neglecting him. That’s it—I’m getting out of bed, and I won’t go back to sleep until I rub my face against his and give him all the kisses he deserves. Kitty? Kitty, where are you?” At press time, after being discovered in the kitchen, the cat reportedly comforted a beleaguered Ostrowski, speaking in a calming feline voice as he insisted that he understood that he was adorable and she was merely out of her fucking mind.


Panhandler Really Appreciates It When People Make A Big Show Out Of Patting All Their Pockets

CHICAGO—Explaining how grateful he was for the gesture, local panhandler Ben Vasiliadis told reporters Wednesday he truly appreciated the way people passing him on the street made a big show out of patting all their pockets. “I know it may not seem like much, but when I ask someone if they can help me out, it always warms my heart to see them mime an exaggerated search of their pants for spare change,” said the impoverished itinerant, describing how strangers often acknowledged his humanity with a quick frown, a shrug, and a mouthed “sorry” before they continued on their way at a slightly quickened pace. “Sometimes, they’ll not only pat their front pockets, but their back ones, too—even their jacket! Sure, I’m completely broke and haven’t been able to eat for a couple days, but it’s the thought that counts, you know?” Vasiliadis went on to remark that the only thing nicer than passersby patting their pockets was when they told him they would keep him in their prayers.


Lähde: The Onion